Grown up bullies

Growing up, I was only warned of two types of abuse. As thankful as I am that my parents took the time to describe these forms of abuse to me, and then proceeded to ingrain them in my young mind, there were many things they left out.

Unfortunately, abuse is often identified as being physical or sexual. And although they are both forms of abuse, we go on further to stereotype them by stating that physical and sexual abuse happens with men against women. It is this limited view and generalisation that leads people to feel alone and unnoticed, and why so many lesbians in an abusive relationship remain hidden behind society’s biases and ignorance.

In therapy, I have often had to relive a form of abuse that is often difficult to verbalise: Emotional Abuse — one of the most common found between women. For most of us, this type of abuse remains hidden by words and ignored by others. It’s the type of pain someone causes that leaves no physical marks and is easily forgiven as there is no evidence of harm.

It is easy to excuse emotional abuse, because we can simply explain it away through personality differences; “that’s just how she is or talks… she means nothing by it… she’s never hit me or anything.” However, the pain is memorable, destructive, and should not be explained away — in fact, its power pulls the victim to self-punish and feel guilty for feeling sad, or hurt, or abused, because there are no physical traces left.

A close friend became very upset with me when I told her she was being emotionally abused. She defensively fought back that her girlfriend was more experienced and had a dominant personality. That she never hit her or yelled at her. However, when I mentioned that control has many ugly shapes and forms; one of which is manipulating another person’s thoughts and behaviour to overpower them, keeping them away from family and their own friends or belittling them to joint friends — it was clear that emotional abuse was happening. It was a tearful night.

Emotional abuse can be seen verbally: for example, a partner degrading her girlfriend in public or private “you are stupid” and making her jealous or insecure “you will never find someone like me. Women want me, but I chose you.” Or showing off with other women in social media posts yet won’t post pictures with you. However, very often it is through economic and financial resources that the abuser controls the victim by rigidly controlling finances; withholding money, making you account for your spending, withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medication), preventing you from working unless it suits them, or accusing you of not wanting to work.

If you believe that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you can help yourself to get through it by connecting with others. An abuser maintains power by isolating the other person from a loving and protective network. You need to seek others who can give you a more balanced view-point, and motivate you towards positive change. Also seek outside help. If you are concerned for your safety, do not hesitate to seek outside help if needed. Once in a safe place, you should connect with supportive services for abused individuals.

Personally, I think the hardest aspect of abuse to grasp is the “why me?” effect. We can never answer the question as to why would a person we love has chosen to repay that commitment with fear, control or abandonment. The question cannot be answered because it is not ours to answer. But we do have a choice as to how people treat us, and for how long. Honestly, abuse should never be tolerated under any circumstance.

The greatest lesson in life is learning when to walk away without any answers or apologies, just hard lessons. Let it go.